its been a year, a year living here with my father. i try to think how easy it can be living with a stranger, and getting to know how fucked up they are, even when you try to be nice to them. i find it hard to stop missing my mother even though i hate her. i dont understand why i miss her, i dont understand why she had to go, i dont want her to come back, i just need something.

i love him, with my heart, with everything, shouldnt that account for everything? but why do i feel lost and feel like i can never have him, when i do.               it doesnt make sense to me, ive been patient, and somedays i wonder if we will work, if ill ever be with him, if time could just stop when i see him, if anything could happen could me and him just be together, but we are. and i love him, i just got make this great thing between me and him and just wait till i see him again.                                             i should let all the negative shit go away, and just be free.

but why do i find more harder than it seems, i could just waste away and die, but i dont want to even try to cut or do the stupid shit i use to do.

confused by too many thoughts and life is just passing me by, i gotta just keep myself together and stop breaking down, stop crying, stop being the way i am, and just change.        its the only way i could leave the past behind even when it can catch up to me, live and be free even if i feel trapped.

i have so much love for my sister, shes the only one that has been with me, who sometimes get who i am. i cant let her go, shes everything to me, but if i could just runaway i would make everything harder on her, shes become like a mother to me, and i dont want her to, she doesnt deserve to be when the one who is, isnt around. shes had too much in her life, she works and goes to school and pays for her own shit, no one i know is anything like her and how strong she is.

i need to fix myself. once again, i wont screw it up.

the way i am now, has change. i feel lost too much.

i've become so busy and it irritates me;too fucking much.

what's more aggrivating is that i wont see my boyfriend in a veryyyyyyyyy long time. and i miss him so much. and the distance is getting to me too much;its not that i want a break, its just wanting him where i am, instead of his voice i could just see him. i put myself in this position to fall in love to be in love with the person ive been looking for; lets look at this way if he was maybe in new york maybe he wouldnt like/love me the way he does now. it just urks me over and over.if he wants anything i mean i would be fine with it. i guess...

besides that; ive let things go, i may sound quite and gloomy but im not, i just rather be myself now. and i dont want to; i want to have fun this summer, i want to do alot of shit despite that he isnt around, nothing sexually [i wish if he was around... lol] i mean just fun and i rather be with him.

i write in here every so often and i let go of these feelings and it just a website.

i feel confused lately about everything. if everything was meant to be the way it is.

im not really that conservative anymore, im not afraid to let myself go anymore. i let down the walls now &it feels good to.

i guess theres nothing more, icons...

this is random; i sometimes think to myself, no matter how hard and wrong my mother was and what she did, sometimes i miss her. i guess because i didnt have to grow up too fast and have too much to worry about. or maybe i actually had her around. i use to feel the sameway about my father. but its funny now. cause i hate them both. and no matter how my feelings chnage or hate them more, in 10 years i still would hate them. its all too much to just forgive and forget even though ive kinda forgiven  cause i still talk or see them. but yet even though ive let the things go, i just feel like being their little girl and saying i love you is gonna make anything better...cause it wouldnt seem real.

also since im in the mood to say how everything is, i feel like tearing apart everytime i have to get off the phone with him, or when i dont talk to him enough or when i miss like hell. or if anything. i hate the way i feel but yet i love him so much...

at this moment, i am very bored.

i changed around everything :]

yet, i wish i can talk to jason...offical!!

i'm thinking too much, and i hate the way i feel at this moment.

computer is fucking sucker. but yeah its too much

ad i have to wake up in 3 hours for school = senior graduation and report cards.

&& today my uncle gave me this longgg lecture it was fucking annoying, but yet at the end he said

that i'm actually a good kid, whatever that means. i could say i dont know what to do maybe its time to let these thing sgo lets my little nonsense in my mind go, i analyze too much and i get overwhelmed by too much of nothing.

anyway...

im boredd and not even tired.

its summer 07`-time of love, friends, and too much wild fun.

I GOT A FUCKING JOB! - at carvel in woodhaven, im backkk whoot!

ummm...iono what else.

i really love him. [03.15.07] = unoffical / [6.15.07] = offical <333

i could be anywhere but here right now, i wish i was somewhere not at home with a sprained ankle but thats not so bad, i guess im just annoyed at alot of things sick of it as well...i think im repeating myself and it sounds stupid at this point.

my feelings are a mixture of what i want and dont want

this summer i want no rules no regulations, i just want to do whatever i want.

so not going to happen but oh well, but i wish and i want to stop doing all of this...and leave.

i hate the feeling that i want to self-destruct.

mood: exhusted, glad <33, irritated

ive been feeling as if im going thorugh allof this and i dont know what to do or say or feel anymore, i hate school and i dont want to be the "smart" one anymore, im not that and i hate that fact that they want me to be a perfectionist...im not going to be anything great cause im not.

i miss him too much, and i hate that, i hate that i feel so much emotions for a guy who lives so far and i hate that i love him so much [ i dont hate it, just tired of missing him] we are [unoffical] and i dont mind him being with other girls, i really dont i mean if he tells me i might get all annoyed or irritated or maybe jealous [and i never usually the jealous type] but im saying when he comes back here hes all mine ;] but its just hard and too complicated and i don't want out at all, i just love him. being "single" isnt hard for me but i just missssssss him.

"what are you adding more, how much you hate me?" - "no." - "oh." - "you sure?" - "yeah."

"shaniceeee"--"hold on a second"--"hold on. okay? i love you"--"i love you too"- "sure okay, [he laughs]"

ive never thought ive been this type of person too love too much, when ive never let too many people in and i guess im afraid that i am in love did i fall or did i know, i think it was both.

i just want to have a good time well a hella good time,   and i wish he was here in ny, and i wish i could get highh and smoke or get drunk not even that just do something so fucking fun, that i dodnt need any shit in my mind.

plans... money = tutution for college = education = my own apt = me moving out when 18 = happy?

bored...

he whipsers"shanice"--she whispers back his name"him"--"i love you"--"i love you too."

x]